Mark was a somewhat flawed character and he had a lot of mental health issues combined with some significant physical health issues, however he was a big personality and a huge part of his children's lives and he has left an enormous hole to fill. I am very bitter about his lack of treatment by his GP and the many other health professionals he has in contact with. I feel very strongly that if they had all done their very best I would not be grieving for my son.
Recently it's like the weight of grief that I have been trying to avoid, by keeping myself super busy, has come crashing down on my head and I feel like I am living in a bubble, safe here in my home. Going out, even for essentials like food shopping, is hard and something that I avoid as long as I possibly can. I still do things with my grandchildren and my children because I would never let them down or disappoint them, but other than that I have retreated into my safe home/haven.
I have been to my GP and I do need to contact Cruse because I am aware that I need outside help, I can't move this weight on my own. Both of my children are feeling very similar and are struggling with their grief. I don't think mark's partner gets much more than 5 minutes in any one day to grieve, but I do know she is grieving and I worry that as the children grow, her grief will worsen.
Recently I had a computer breakdown and the extra hard drive, that I stored all my photos and my vast collection of knitting and sewing patterns, became corrupted. The very nice man who fixes these things for me said he had managed to salvage some of my stuff and put the machine back together and off I went, until I had yet another problem and discovered that both hard drives were in fact corrupt and the motherboard needs upgrading and ... Bummer!
This on top of a defunct fridge freezer that was 12 months and 2 weeks old when it broke, costing me a fortune in wasted food and October wasn't the happiest of months for me. I think it was these not so big things that tipped the balance on my ability to cope, day to day.
One of the worst things when someone dies is the knowing that all opportunities to engage with that person are gone. You can't tell them how you feel, how much you love them, there are no more photos to be taken or memories to be made. All the silly questions that the kids ask or are simply floating through your mind will remain ever that, questions with no one to answer them. It is these things that sort of catch you unawares.
Christmas is fast approaching and I am nowhere near as organised as I should be. I have very few presents bought and I'm sort of hiding from the fact it is drawing near. Mark's partner and the children are all joining us on Boxing Day, Christmas Day will be spent at home enjoying the goodies that santa brings. One of our family Christmas traditions is that for a baby's first Christmas 2 ornaments are bought for the family tree and when that baby has their own tree they get one of them and the other stays with me.
When Mark was born I bought a ceramic Snoopy in a santa suit and a ceramic Woodstock sitting on a Christmas present to hang on my tree. When mark left home he took the Snoopy with him and this year it will hang on the tree in the house where his boys live. I'm hoping to make and buy a few special ornaments for the boys and Mark's daughter as memorial things for their own trees when they are older. Its only a little thing but when I spoke to Mark's partner I was so relieved when she said she had packed all the Christmas decorations when she moved. She knew exactly what I meant when I asked about them, which was good. Her house move was so rushed and haphazard that stuff did get left behind that wasn't meant to but under the circumstances it wasn't surprising.
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